I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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