Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize