Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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