walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
