So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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