We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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