Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
