A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize