ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
