i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Randomize
