My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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