i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
