Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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