The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Send help, water and tortillas.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
