I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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