Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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