So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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