I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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