You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
