please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
