When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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