Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
