Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize