FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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