hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Randomize
