Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize