the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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