My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just gift wrapped bread.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Randomize
