the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
