i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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