she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
