I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
