its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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