I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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