Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
