You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
from now on my penis is your penis
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
