so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
