I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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