You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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