where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
