I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
