It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
