Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
