i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
