I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
