1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
