So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
