i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
