It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
