What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
