I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize