you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
