I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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