My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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