The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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