I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you will always have a special place in my vag
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
