I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
