What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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