i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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