Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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