I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
