I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
