the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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