Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
