Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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