can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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