I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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