better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
