I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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