I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
whose parrot is this?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
