Only a mothe r could love this liver
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
