We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize