I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
