My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
