if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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