My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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